I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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