He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
