He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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