why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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