What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
