So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
