Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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