It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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