my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
