i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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