I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
