New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dick very happy bro
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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