i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
