I cut my penus on the lid.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize