Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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