I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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