Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
