The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
