I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize