Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
