If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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