I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
