She tied me up with her honor cords...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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