I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize