dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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