he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
