apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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