i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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