i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
