I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
