Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize