Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
