A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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