I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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