i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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