she woke up with a sticky ear
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
