This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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