he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think I just shit out all my problems.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
