mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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