Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
