i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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