so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
