all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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