I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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