The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
