This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
