She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
