did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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