batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
