I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize