Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
