Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
