I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
