I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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