i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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