You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
