my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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