What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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