i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
