my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
