Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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