I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
