There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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