I cut my penus on the lid.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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