better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
