"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize