I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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