That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
