shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
