I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
