GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
