I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
