Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
