I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
