Plan B is the new Plan A
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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