Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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