He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
