Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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