i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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