im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
