Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
